I hope trying is enough because sometimes that's all I can do.
Meditation was always sold to me as not having a thought in your head: not doing anything, completely be nothing, do nothing. I tried. I tried so many times to achieve that, but never came close to it for a second.
How do I feel like me again? Why did this even happen? When will I get out? Will I ever... get out?
How the hell do I calm the anxiety when it has solid, strong roots in reality.
I was walking past the mirror and it caught my eye. My hair is black, so that small “pale” round patch of skin was hard to miss.
It's really hard being the extended family that lives on another continent. Especially because there's 5 of us over here and at least a hundred family members that I have met and remember and their friends. It's really a lot to try and wrap your head around.
I feel like I can only speak to myself in vagueness. Because I can't understand my feelings... or maybe I understand them and just don't want them. I don't always like my feelings but that doesn't stop them from being there.
This year I didn't feel like putting on a fake festive attitude. Because I didn't feel it. I didn't want to feel it... And that's okay right?
Growing up I was not the typical girl. I loved video games, watching super hero cartoons, power rangers; I hated pink and dresses. I did love my stuffed animals and playing with some of that doll house stuff that I had. I wasn't that different. I didn't think I was anyway.
Breathe. Stay calm. You're fine, you're not going to die, everything is fine.
I don't want sympathy. "It's just hair," as I tell most people when I'm trying to explain it. But, it's more than that. This is something that has shaped me as a person since I first found out. Here's my hair loss story beginning to present.
When it comes to life I try not to get focused on the things that can go well. Instead I focus on what can go wrong. Not because I like being negative, though.
Maybe I've been depressed longer than I realized. Did I not want to make friends? Did I enjoy being alone? Was I trying to avoiding the pain that comes with knowing you'll not see that friend again? Did I really think I wasn't worth their time?
We catch glimpses of our reflection every day. But have you ever looked into a mirror and seen through it? Seen who you really were, and not just who your depression tells you you are?
Sometimes a thought is just a thought. Until you act on it, it doesn't have to mean anything. Thoughts come and go, but action is forever.
Gandhi once said: "My Life is My Message". If my life is my message, what is my life saying?