I always knew there was a real possibility that there would be an intense backslide on my mental health. I feel like the last year and a half I knew how to keep myself going and fend off my depression. I still had problems with anxiety but I wasn’t severely depressed. I had the occasional suicidal ideation but it passed through my thoughts without sticking around. It’s probably surprising to most people but those thoughts are as common as when I think about food I haven’t had in awhile. It's hard to tell people that though, because it isn’t something most people feel comfortable talking about.
I mean. I don’t even know how comfortable I feel talking openly about it. But the more I do that, the easier it is for me to manage… The easier it is for me to hear similar things from people around me. I will always make sure to try and gauge how seriously that thought is, but typically it's not at an emergency room level thought. But who would be able to judge that? Only the person experiencing the thoughts could know.
My depression has come back yelling and screaming from the shadows. I’ve spent so long trying to focus on my anxiety and break down all the stupid walls that I’ve had up, I didn’t have to manage my depression for so long. Now... I have to change my approach.
Seriously and honestly I had the depression managed. I mean, it wasn’t like I thought it was managed, it WAS managed. I didn’t have depressive episodes. All of the emotional instability was from anxiety, uncertainty and knowing what I need but not being able to get to it. But the self hating thoughts? Those weren’t really present anymore. Yes when things got really bad because of anxiety, it would spiral into depression and emotional abuse from myself to myself, but that was triggered by the anxiety.
My depression is starting to get to a place where that's scary. I think I have spent most of the last two weeks in a dissociative state. It's felt like I’m not really me. The other day I was looking at Ember and Clara and they didn’t feel like my cats… When I thought about them as living beings that are alive and in my life… they felt like strangers to me. It was a really uncomfortable feeling, it really scares me.
I can keep going on living like I am, it isn't really changing too much. However, I am scared that if things continue like this that it would be easier for me to hurt myself. If I don’t feel like I am this person, I could do something I normally wouldn't… I trust that as long as I can stay rational that I won’t do anything dangerous, because even if this isn’t my life I wouldn’t want the person I see to die… or get hurt…
That doesn’t change how hard it is… It's really painful to go through everyday feeling like I don’t exist. It’s painful and empty and uncomfortable… I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how to make things less hard… how do I feel like me again? Why did this even happen? When will I get out? Will I ever... get out?
I know I’ve had these episodes when my depression gets to it's worst… I know I spent a lot of time in high school and college like this… Typically those were also with my insomnia episodes. I know it's hard to sleep when I feel dissociated like this. It's almost 3 am and I’m not even kind of tired… What is that even about…
I remember this feeling starting when I was in middle school. The only way I could describe it was that I “thought myself out of existence.” Which I think is still pretty accurate to describe what it feels like. I don’t feel like I am this person that I am. I feel so empty and meaningless.
Point is that… I don’t know what to do to get back to feeling like myself… but right now I don’t. Right now I don’t feel like I’m alive. Right now I don’t feel like I exist. Right now everything feels foreign.