I didn't realize how different I was until I started talking to people about things that really matter – once I got away from talking about new movies, TV shows, and the general nothingness that I talked to people about in high school. (Well, that I talked about with anyone that wasn't a friend I talked to through the internet. I've always found it hard to express myself verbally.)
I mean. I've always known that I'm different. Growing up I was not the typical girl. I loved video games, watching super hero cartoons, power rangers; I hated pink and dresses. I did love my stuffed animals and playing with some of that doll house stuff that I had. This was before it was "acceptable" for little girls to want to play Super Mario instead of playing with Barbies... I wasn't that different. I didn't think I was anyway. Of course I really only compared myself to my older sister, and she liked the same things I did. Rather, I liked anything she did because I wanted to be just like her.
We moved around most of my childhood. I was about 9 when my family moved into a house. A house I lived in for 10 years straight. This was the first time I actually started interacting with my peers for long periods of time. I have friends that I have known since middle school, some who were in my 5th grade class. That's so strange to think about. They have known me through so many weird phases.
I thought I was normal. I mean. I am normal? I am my normal, everyone else is weird. What is normal to me is not normal to others. I'm as normal as any South African Indian American is... Ha. Even in that I'm not normal. But, again, really... what is normal?
Apart from my generally different life experiences, I also think differently, and see the world differently. I didn't see how different I was until college. I didn't know that I lived with depression. I mean... I knew that my head got into really bad places. That sometimes I get stuck in a brain space that's just doom and gloom. But I also thought everyone dealt with that. I thought everyone understood that, everyone got anxious and started stuttering when confronted about anything. Well, I knew that last one was different. The point was that, I didn't see my depression as something that made me different. Depression was normal to me. It still is normal to me. I can't imagine living without depression. It must be so dull not having to constantly fight yourself.
I guess that would be pleasant though. But you wouldn't know that it was pleasant. Because you wouldn't know any different.
So again. What is normal? Is depression normal to you? It's so normal to me that I never thought twice about my favorite song when I was less than 10 being "Yesterday" from the Beatles. A song that's so solemn and sad.
All my troubles seemed so far away
Now it looks as though they're here to stay
Oh, I believe in yesterday
I can look back now and see that I connected with those lyrics after having moved so much. Having to be okay with an ever changing life, and that my sadness wasn't leaving.
There are also things like... when I was 11 I came to terms with death. That most religions are unknowns, that I couldn't believe in something I didn't have proof of. I haven't met a lot of people that connect with me when I tell them about myself when I was 11, that I would lay awake at night trying to figure out if I existed. Even just telling them about the times I "thought myself out of existence" is confusing. I'm sure it's confusing to some people reading this. It's confusing to me, but it's starting to make sense as I see my depression and anxiety more. It's probably what some people call an "out of body experience" but to me I think of it as me not existing anymore.
Because. If I am the person that is in my body, and I don't feel like I'm in my body anymore, do I exist?
(I'm not tripping. I don't do drugs. I've been high once, and that was during the process of me starting my antidepressants, mixed with emotions being all over the place, school stressing me out, and lack of sleep.)
Is this normal though? For anyone else, or is this just my normal? I've stopped talking to people about these things, because I know it's not typical. I stayed away from talking about the philosophical when I was in middle and high school. I don't feel like my peers would have even known what I was talking about. This was why I only talked about superficial things. It was easier for the people around me to absorb. Now though? As an adult, I've made friends that I can have those discussions with, but I still shy away from it because its so... deep and dark that I don't know what to do with it.
I stopped writing this post for sometime now. Because I didn't know if there was a point... or purpose to it. But then I was thinking about it. Do I have to have a point when posting here?
I feel like that's a good place to end this. :)