I know I'm not the only one. I know this will resonate with a lot of people. This past year has been particularly hard though. Usually I can distract myself from my depression around the holidays by being festive. But this year I couldn't even motivate myself to put up my decorations.  

This is from a person who bought a 7 foot Christmas tree and wasn't able to actually put it up for three years after buying it. It moved from three different locations before I was able to take it out of its box. I was so happy when I finally got to put it up. But this year. I didn't even want to go get it. I didn't want to. I didn't feel festive.

There's something about the holidays that just... It makes it harder sometimes. Because I know all these happy jolly people aren't usually like this. People act nicer, but we all know that isn't how they are all year round. It's just so fake... I'm always reminded that around Christmas drivers are going to get more aggressive and less considerate. A majority of people are just out there trying to get what they need to do done and screw anyone else around you.

So. This year I didn't feel like putting on a fake festive attitude. Because I didn't feel it. I didn't want to feel it... And that's okay right? That's better than me pushing these feelings down and pretending that I'm fabulous, when really I'm dieing. I mean we are all dieing... But I feel like I'm feeling that more and more each day. That I feel the urgency of trying to live my life more. But that just depresses me... And then I don't live my life. It's a vicious circle.

Halloween. Thanksgiving. Christmas. New year's. And soon after my birthday. Valentine's. I feel like the older I get the more I hate October-March. I miss those years I had when I was younger where holidays meant time out of school... Presents I wouldn't otherwise get... Candy... Wonder and surprise. Memories of a simpler time haunt me. When I would have fun staying  up late the night before Christmas with my sister wrapping presents. Trying to figure out silly ways to wrap things... now it's depressing... Money being spent on things we don't need when you could easily donate that to someone who needs it... But also I should be able to enjoy something I want...

I feel completely conflicted this year. I'm just trying to hibernate for now and let it all pass. This is just one of those years where I don't want to pretend.

I guess this is going to be my shortest post. But I really don't want to focus on this more than I need to.