I just read one of my first posts on here. It was really hard to read because I don't know where that person is right now. This pandemic has hollowed me out and I feel like that person got lost somewhere. I didn't feel it happening but I guess I sprung a leak somewhere and a year later I'm seeing myself as an empty shell. ‌‌‌‌I'm not though. I know that I'm not. I know that person is still here, that person IS me. That is the person I am when I'm actively trying to live. That is the person that I am when I'm not struggling to find a reason to get out of bed, when I have people to help, support, work with. When I have people that I want to just be with and talk about nonsense.

I know I'm not hollow. I know that I can get back to being someone that could write that post. A person that had experiences worth writing about. But knowing that makes it all hurt so much more, because I'm waiting. I'm paused until I can get back to that place.

Overcoming social anxiety was the barrier I had to overcome and a year into the pandemic I don't even want to see my family because being around people is overwhelming. I'm comfortable in my seclusion. My social skills that I've spent my life perfecting are withering away. I'm exhausted just thinking about everything I have to learn again. ‌‌‌‌I enjoy being alone more than most people. I enjoy silence because my mind is loud. I never really have silence. It's getting so easy to be alone. The person that wrote that post... was finally understanding that not being alone was better. That finding people that you connected with was a reason to live, connection was what gave me hope and fueled my desire to do anything.

That connection, knowing people, learning about new perspectives, understanding other peoples experiences and struggles, gave me a reason to keep pushing. It all gave me a reason to want to volunteer, contribute, help in whatever way I could.

Am I losing that drive? Who am I without it? Am I going to have the will and energy to claw my way back? Or am I just going to buckle and become an empty person that's just living without a reason...

No. I'm too stubborn to give in. Depression/Anxiety. I'm paused. But I'm going to tame you again. I don't know when, I don't know how long it will take. I don't know what the journey will be like to get there. But I know I will try to find my way through to something better...

I'll get there. Hah. It's like when you watch a movie and when it ends you finally see the title of the movie.